Dear Kurt
by Pigfarts123
Summary: Blaine Anderson writes suicide notes to his imaginary friend Kurt.
1. Chapter 1

They discovered 15 suicide notes in his bag that he had on his lap when they found him in the bathroom, unconscious from all the blood that he had lost.

They said he looked like an angel covered in blood, that had fallen from the heavens above.

14 notes were unfinished, he never was brave enough to sign his name and end his life, not until today.

They were all addressed to someone called Kurt, no such person exists with this name.

—-

14th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can't take it anymore. I plan to kill myself in 15 minutes. I should be dead by 23:55.

—-

15th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

Its getting a lot worse now. They keep telling me to kill myself and that i shouldn't even be alive, that i was a mistake and my parents should have killed me before i was born. One of them even offered to kill me, he said he'd kill me and then cut me up into tiny pieces and feed me to his dogs. Its funny because my mother died right after giving birth to me, my father disappeared on my 5th birthday, my granddad passed away right after I'd moved in with my grandparents, and last week my grandmother died. My aunt thinks its my fault that everyone who comes nears me dies, they say it's because i'm gay, which is why they offered to kill me as they are convinced that I'd going to cause their death. So, I'm trying again, I'm not going with the razors this time, the though of all the blood makes me sick. I bought some sleeping pills. I hope they work, i don't know how much longer i can take it if they don't.

—-

16th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They didn't work. They found me throwing up in the bathroom and said they were sorry and didn't want me to die. I've now ran away from home. I'm writing you this letter while lying on the train tracks. I don't want anyone else dead because of me.

—-

18th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can't keep on living like this, they avoid me and pretend that i don't even exist. I've been locked up in my room for the past 48 hours. When i go outside the kids throw stones at me and the mothers tell me to stay away from their precious children as i bring nothing but death to those around me, if that is true why haven't i been able to kill myself? i bought more drugs and told the lady at the counter i was going to use them to kill myself. She said that was a good thing and that i'd be doing the rest of the world a whole favour.

—-

19th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I do not regret this one bit, I'm sure this will make you all very happy and you will live long with out me.

—-

20th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I ran away once again, i am sorry i am such a disappointment to you all. I plan on ending my life and i hope i have done it before you read this. I do not blame you for loathing me as much as you do, you know what? I loath myself much more than any of you ever could.

—-

21st December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They found father today, he was surprised i was still alive after i'd killed half his family by just being born. I sure hope he is happy now that i am dead.

—-

22nd December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I plan to leave this horrible, horrible, world soon and go to a much better place, but i'd probably end up in hell.

—-

23rd December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I won't let them get to me anymore, I won't let them have the pleasure of killing me, I will kill myself.

—-

24th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I don't understand why i was given this life, i wish he would take it away now, I've tried so many times to end it, i try again tonight. I have attacked 5 razor blades to the back of my dead mothers wooden comb, all i have to do is run it across my throat and it will all be over and everyone will finally have what they wanted.

—-

25th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They said today was a good day to die because it was the day that their lord came to this hellish earth and it makes for a perfect day for such an evil person to be gone from this world for good. I guess i can give them this one gift that will make them happy.

—-

26th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I have the things here. I am going to end this now. Goodbye

—-

27th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

Father died last night. It was my fault. I know it was. He was alive, missing but alive, and then he comes back into my life and dies. Why do i kill those i love very much? I suppose that is why i haven't managed to kill myself because no one hates me as much as i do.

—-

28th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can't take it any longer, it hurts so much, even though i'd stop feeling things years ago. The voices inside my head are back and even they are telling my to kill myself, they tell me to burn this house down, I tried that this morning but they'd got rid of all the oil and fire supplies from this house. i guess they know. I wish they'd try to stop me and just tell me that they love me.

—-

29th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

This is written in my blood, i hope that it is seen as some romantic gesture and doesn't creep you out. I always saw life as an invisible staircase that just ends, and i suppose that is why i haven't managed to kill myself yet but the more i realize that this is what i must do, that this is how it is supposed to be, the clearer i see this invisible staircase and the ending is so close now. I have the things set out in front of me. I am leaving this planet tonight, for good. The pills to my left and the razors to my right. I think i can do it, end it all now. End all this pain forever. Lets see if these will work. If they don't i bought a gun and that would certainly end it.

Goodbye cruel world.

Blaine.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - i'm not sure where i'm going with this, i do have an idea how i want it to end.

* * *

><p>He was rushed to the nearest hospital and barely kept alive.<p>

His relatives didn't want to spend unnecessary money on him but they didn't want blood on their hands.

He lay in his own filth for a month.

* * *

><p>29th January 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

* * *

><p>i've been in a coma for the past month. Turns out my attempt at killing myself didn't work. i guess that proves me right, i can't kill myself because no one hates me more than i hate myself. i'd probably die the day i learn to love myself. how tragic. but that day will never come. my relatives were human enough to keep me alive, i wish they weren't so selfish and had let me die. They asked me about you, i guess they found this and all my other notes. I don't remember what i told them but i'm sure they think i'm crazy and made you up and you are the reason i am gay and so messed up and evil, they were talking about chucking me in the loony bin.<p>

* * *

><p>13th February 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They asked me about you and i told them everything. I told them how you stood up for me in the play ground once. they said you didn't exist because i've never been to the play ground ever, but i have, i went years ago when they were all busy watching the President's address one evening. you were there. i only saw you once but you were the nicest anyones ever been to me. you were my only friend. even if we did only meet for 5 minutes. i still remember you. i hope you remember me but you probably don't most people don't like to remember me, most people wish i didn't exist.

* * *

><p>21st February 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They checked me into a mental asylum. Turns out i'm not the only crazy kid in town. that makes me HATE myself even more. I thought i was special but no, there are a bunch of other equally messed up kids in here. Someone drew a smilie face on my breakfast. I don't know why someone would do such a thing, i'm sure it's one of the sad looking nurses who keeps looking at me with her sad, sad eyes. She was saying that i have nice hair and that i am a lovely boy and i just need a little love. I bet you my relatives paid her to say that to me, to mock me, and to humiliate me. i asked the doctor to change my nurse. i might try to kill myself if i have to spend another day with that sad old nurse. though i'm not sure how i would do that here. they don't leave me alone for a second, except to shower but even then they time me, any longer than 5 minutes they think im trying something and drag me out. its horrible in here. i might have to kill myself. there is no other way out.

* * *

><p>28th February 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They caught me in the shower, i was this close to getting a tile through my throat. I don't see why they want me alive. i'm no use to anyone.

i wish you were here.

you probably don't even remember me.

i'm beginning to think that i did make you up.

i guess i am crazy after all.

* * *

><p>03:05am<p>

He walks through the narrow corridor and watches him cry to sleep.

He really wants to comfort him, to tell him that he is not crazy and that he didn't make him up, that he is real and he remembers him.

But he can't do that.

Not now.

Not ever.

Because Blaine is his patient now.

He can't have feelings for his patient.

He'd lose his job.

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - Kurt is 20 a trainee shrink and Blaine is just a few weeks away from 18. if anyone was confused**

* * *

><p>3rd March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They've convinced me you don't exist. They keep telling me that i made you up. I sometimes believe them, but then the medicine wears off and i remember you. That doctor keeps telling me that you don't exist, telling me to forget everything about you. There isn't much i remember about you Kurt, except that you stood up to me. I wish you hadn't. I wish you had let them beat me up. I wish i had died.

* * *

><p>4th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They don't let me do anything other than sit in my room. I'm not allowed anything other than this pencil and notebook. They think i'm going to attempt to kill myself again. They are right. But we both know that i'll fail. I always fail at everything.

They didn't change my nurse. I still have that sad looking nurse. She keeps smiling at me with her sad, sad eyes. I wish she'd stop. She keeps making smilie faces on my pancakes. i might stop eating if she contiues.

* * *

><p>5th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I have a shrink, did i tell you about him? he reminds me of you. I told him about you. He said he wants to see me get better and that i do matter. but i cant trust him. He always looks so sad. He didn't try and convince me that you aren't real. i guess he just doesn't want to take away the only thing i have. you. even if you aren't real.

He is a bit creepy. He keeps staring at me when he thinks i can't see him. i suppose they are just waiting for me to try and do something stupid again so they can come in and save me and be my heroes. but they don't know that heroes don't exist.

You were my hero. But they've told me you don't exist. now they want to replace you. I won't let them replace you.

* * *

><p>8th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They took us to the beach. It was just us crazy, hopeless people at the beach in this cold weather. They thought we'd have fun. i guess everyone else had fun. i just couldn't stop thinking about you once i'd seen the park. then i remembed you don't exist.

* * *

><p>12th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They found me in the bathroom again two days ago. They took my razon from me. they had that nurse with the sad, sad eyes in my room just staring at me. She'd be at my side even if i sneezed. do you think i can stab myself with this pencil? i'm not going to try that because we both know i'd fail and they'd take it away and then i can't write to you.

I saw the shrink again today. He told me that i should never try and forget you.

* * *

><p>07:55am<p>

He sneaks into the kitchen and draws a smilie face on the pancakes with honey and strawberries that were in the tray for Blaine.

He knows Blaine finds it odd but he still does it every morning.

But the other day while he sat at his table in the far end of the dinning hall he saw Blaine eat, and saw him smile for the very first time.

His smile still hasn't changed.

* * *

><p>17th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

The shrink gave me a new notebook today. He said it is my birthday and that i'm 18 years old and that this one is getting old. I dont know how he knows about my notebook ive not told him about it, i suppose he's been spying on me.

Its sad really that i've spent 18 years on this piece of rock and failed to kill myself. Yet innocent people die all the time, like all those people who died in that house fire last year, they all just burned. it must have felt horrible to die. why must those who wish to live die, and those that wish to die never do?

That one girl that lived next door to us, she died after i went round to hand her mum back a bag aunt had borrowed.

they told me she was ill before i saw her, the voices tell me it was my fault.

maybe if i want to live i'd die, i'd finally manage to kill myself when i want to live. that would be funny won't it?

They brought in this really old man yesterday. He's completley lost it, he just spends all day talking to the wall.

well in that case i've lost it as well, since i spend most of my time thinking about you, writing letters to you and i also think about dying a lot.

I just need to convince them to give my razor back my beard is growing.

i feel sad for the old man. he's had no vistors. neither have i.

* * *

><p>20th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They gave my razor, they said they trust me now.

They made the nurse with the sad, sad eyes watch me while i shaved my face, she turned the other way and i took the blades out and hid them in my pocket.

Its funny. i'm just about to break their trust. again. i just don't see why they want me to be alive.

I won't even get to write you letters from my new notebook.

i'm no use to anyone.

i'm just wasting thier time and resourses.

That old man died the other day.

The voices in my head said that it's my fault he died.

Goodbye

* * *

><p>03:05am<p>

He watches Blaine through the window of his door.

Blaine isn't crying himself to sleep.

That is a good sign.

He really wants to tell Blaine that he is Kurt, that he is real, but he can't and it hurts him.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>

**I'm not sure when i'll post again. Might be tomorrow, might be next week.**

**Thanks for reading. :D**


	4. Chapter 4

08:05am

Kurt is seated at his usual seat, his brown eyes searching for Blaine.

He isn't in the dinning hall.

Blaine is always here at 8am.

Something must be wrong.

* * *

><p>08:15am<p>

Kurt rushes towards Blaine's room asking those he finds along the way if they'd seen him.

He stops outside his door.

Looking in through the window on the door he sees Blaine lying exactly like he was last night.

Thinking that something is wrong and that Blaine has been successful in killing himself Kurt forgets about his job, rushes into his room, shaking from fear.

He'd lost Blaine.

He'd only just found him and now he's lost him again.

He didn't even have a chance to tell him who he was.

He didn't have a chance to tell him that he loves Blaine.

That he's been in love with him ever since he'd seen him again.

He didn't have a chance to tell Blaine that he wasn't crazy and that Kurt was real. He was Kurt. That he remembered him.

* * *

><p>'Blaine I'm real. Blaine. Please wake up, please... Blaine... I remember you.'<p>

* * *

><p>21st March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I had the strangest dream. You were in it. Well I could hear you tell me that you remembered me. I guess my medicines aren't working as well as they had hoped they'd work.

I can't forget about you Kurt. Ever.

They started me on new pills that make me sleep longer.

I wish they'd give me pills that would make me sleep forever.

I missed breakfast this morning and woke up to about 5 nurses in my room along with my shrink. They were convinced I'd killed myself. The doctor came in and told them that my pills make me sleep longer and no I've not killed myself.

He sounded sad that i wasn't dead.

I guess they are all tired, tired from me.

I think my shrink was crying.

I hope he wasn't crying over me.

That would be sad.

I wish he doesn't actually care about me because I will end up hurting him.

I end up hurting everyone who cares for me.

That old guy smiled at me.

The nurse got fired because they found the razors next to my bed and she was suppose to keep an eye on me.

The little girl i tried to smile at.

I'm sorry I am not perfect.

I'm sorry I hurt everyone when the only person I wish to hurt is myself.

* * *

><p>22nd March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I had an appointment with the shrink again today. He was convinced i tried to kill myself yesterday. He made me promise that i wouldn't do it again.

I told him i can't promise anyone anything.

I think he is the one that needs to see a shrink.

He told me i'm his first patient.

Is that why he wants me to get better, why he wants me to live?

It wouldn't look good on his records if his first patient died on him.

I don't want to disappoint him, i probably would.

He's a strange human.

He keeps asking me what my hobbies are.

I keep telling him i like to play with death.

He is strange.

I can't read him at all.

He looks so sad all the time.

Everyone looks at me with disgust but i can't describe what i see in his eyes when he looks at me.

Its starting to creep me out.

I still got a smilie face on my pancakes and the nurse who i thought used to do that was fired.

i'm certainly going crazy.

its this place i tell you, its making me crazy. i need to find a way out.

i have found a way out.

* * *

><p>24th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They left my window open today, maybe its a test to see if i do anything, they are all probably waiting outside to drag me back in.

I can't sit in here knowing that i have a chance to escape from this place.

if this works i'll be far away from here.

I can't stay here.

If i do everyone will die.

they have had 4 deaths since arrived here.

4 deaths in a month.

that has to be a record for me.

a part of me wants to stay and see how many more people i can kill before i manage to kill myself.

we know that number will be BIG.

I can't stay here at all.

I'm leaving.

...

I hope they find me and bring me back.

I have no where else to go.

My shrink is a nice person, he'd probably adopt me if i asked, he'd do anything to keep me alive, you could see that in his eyes, i think he wants me alive, like really really wants me alive, i think he cares about me, i've never had anyone care about me, but he is only a few years older than myself and he is so well dressed all the time with perfectly combed hair. He should have been a model. I'd like to...

no i can't

maybe i'd just die on the streets, maybe someone will kill me.

i wish they don't find me and just let me die.

i have to get out of here.

* * *

><p>03.05am<p>

He watches as Blaine sleeps, resisting the urge to hold him, to tell him that everything will be alright, to tell him that he is real.

* * *

><p>TBC<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

28th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

I managed to escape. I felt so free. I decided to walk to the park i first saw you at. I was wishing you'd be there again and i'd ask you to run away with me. Those kids that bullied me when i was younger, the same ones you saved me from were there last night. They wanted to kill me. They could have killed me. They were trying to kill me. They were so close, they kept kicking me.

I was saved.

My shrink saved me. I don't know how he knew where to find me, but then again i think he follows me.

But you were supposed to save me.

I thought he was you.

I called him Kurt.

I was terrified.

I called him Kurt.

He just sat in the park with me and held me while i broke down.

I called him Kurt.

He kept whispering 'everything would be alright' and running his hand through my hair.

I called him Kurt.

He got rid of the bullies, they were grown men now.

I called him Kurt.

I wish he hadn't saved me.

I called him Kurt.

I feel like i am betraying you Kurt.

I called him Kurt.

i am so sorry.

I called him Kurt.

I'll still write to you.

I called him Kurt.

I think i'm starting to like him

I can't let that happen.

* * *

><p>29th March 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I had another appointment with my shrink, he told me that he wasn't going to tell anyone that i'd ran away. I'm not sure why he is being so nice to me but he made me promise that i wouldn't do things like that ever again. He didn't ask me much so i asked him questions. His favourite colour is blue and he likes singing but he rarely sings anymore. The surprising thing about him is that he has never seen any Tom and Jerry episodes. I told him to watch it before our next meeting or i wont talk to him at all.

I had fun talking to him today. his eyes remind me of you. he has the same spark in them that i saw in your eyes.

He is a sad person. I'm not sure what is bothering him but i hope he gets to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. everyone but me.

* * *

><p>2nd April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

My shrink decided that for our session today we'd watch Tom and Jerry and eat popcorn.

I had seen the episode so i just watched him watch it, i liked how his nose does that thing when he laughs. it did that a lot.

It reminded me of your nose.

Just as i was leaving his office he said he hadn't had this much fun in ages.

I could tell that he was telling the truth.

* * *

><p>6th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

Its been a week i think and this is the first time in a very long time that i've not tried to kill myself.

My shrink says this is good. He is helping a lot. He is kind to me. He is like my family now.

Do you think it would be weird if i hugged him?

* * *

><p>7th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They took us out for another one of those trips, it was just us crazy people again but my shrink came along as well. i think he is lonely. we got some ice cream and i talked to him about death and how wonderful i used to think it was and how i'd imagine killing myself in every possible way. I listed things i could see that i could use to kill myself. i think i gave him a fright. i told him that i don't want to kill myself anymore and that i like spending time with him. i told him he makes me happy. as we were talking i hugged him and accidentally called him Kurt again. i shouldn't have done that. his face fell and i couldn't tell what he was thinking and he just got up and left,

im sorry.

we have been back for about 5 hours now and no one has seen him.

I had finally began to enjoy living life even if i am locked up in a loony bin i had a friend. my only friend, after you of course. i managed to drive him away from me.

it's all your fault. i should just forget you.

i've done it again haven't it.

i keep hurting people.

He's probably dead.

He's probably dead because of him.

He is dead because i was growing fond of him.

* * *

><p>20:55pm<p>

A note slips through his office door.

I'm sorry. Can we still be friends? I liked being your friend. You were the only friend i ever had.

-Blaine x

* * *

><p>8th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I wrote him a note saying sorry.

* * *

><p>12th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I had another appointment with my shrink today, he still looked really sad. I asked him about it but he just shrugged it off and continued talking about me. I told him about you again. I told him i remember what you look like. I told him that he reminds me of you. I think that made him smile. he said that i am getting better soon and that they would let me go home soon. I told him that i don't have a home any more. he was quiet after that.

* * *

><p>00:01am<p>

'Dad. I'm sorry for calling you so late but i need a favour... I found him dad...'

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>

**- **i know i've posted lots of chapter in a row i just can't stop writing this. i don't even know if anyone is reading it anymore but I'm having fun making this up as i go along.


	6. Chapter 6

15th April 1997

Dear Kurt,

I was planning on spending the whole day inside my room. I didn't have an appointment with my shrink today so i thought there was no point getting out of bed.

at about noon, my shrink drops by and asks me why i wasn't at breakfast. i told you he has been spying on me. I asked him why he was spying on me. he said nothing. Then asked if i wanted to go outside to get lunch with him.

HE ASKED ME OUT FOR LUNCH.

i wish it was you that asked me out for lunch, but he reminds me of you so i guess that it was okay.

we had burgers and chips from the van that was parked outside. He said he'd normally wouldn't even be seen dead near one of them but he'd eat from it because it made me happy, i told him i'm only eating from it because it may make me dead.

he made me bin the food and took me to the fancy place that sold raw fish wrapped up in rice and green stuff. Sushi, i think thats what he called it. I told him i didn't like it but he could tell i was lying.

he looked so happy, i told him i liked it when he is happy. he said so does he, he said me being happy makes him happy. then he never said anything and took me back.

I think i like him, more than a shrink, more than a friend, i think i like him more than i should, i like him more than i've ever liked anyone.

this can only end badly.

we both know what happens to people i like.

i wish i could stop liking him.

* * *

><p>18th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

They told me i was going to get out of here soon.

I told him i didn't have anywhere to go.

* * *

><p>23:55pm<p>

'Dad, would you do this for me?'

'...'

'Thank you...'

* * *

><p>25th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

The past few days have been rather crazy. I'm leaving here in a few days. I don't want to leave. I like it here. I don't have anywhere to go. They phoned up my relatives, they said they don't want me, that they are not legally obliged to take care of me since i am 18 now. i'll just end up on the streets now. they'll kill me this time. this scares me now. it really does. i suppose it was always going to be this way. the minute i stop wanting to kill myself, they do.

* * *

><p>15:45pm<p>

'Blaine, you know you are being discharged in a few days...'

'yes...'

'Do you have anywhere to stay?'

'Can't i stay here? i like it here.' you are here, i like you

'We both know that can't happen... Blaine...'

'i'll go live on the streets, they will...'

'come live with me...'

'kill me... what?'

'my parents live... they live 20 minutes from here, they have a spare bedroom...'

'why?'

'why what?'

'why are you doing this to me... what do you get out of this?... why are you so nice to me all the fucking time? why did you save me? why didn't you let me die? i don't want your pity, i don't need you. god, just leave me alone'

'Blaine wait...'

* * *

><p>26th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

he offered me a place to stay, he said his parents have a spare room. i didn't know what to do so i just snapped at him. i wish i hadn't done that. he is nothing but kind to me and i just... i like him. i like him so much but i cant.

i'm not suppose to like him. he'll die. i know he would. i don't want him to die.

* * *

><p>21:10pm<p>

'Blaine, i need to tell you something, please Blaine... just listen, you don't have to talk to me, but i want you to listen, i'll leave you alone after this, you don't have to see me ever again if you don't want to but i need to tell you something important...'


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for not posting much in the last few days i had an exam to revise for and now its over and here is the next chapter.**

**I honestly don't know how long this is going to be or how it will get to the end i have planned out. **

**Thanks for reading and sticking around. :D**

* * *

><p>21:15pm<p>

'Blaine... just listen to me for five minutes.'

'Okay, What is so important that you couldn't wait till our next meeting?'

'Its... It's about... Ku- Kurt, I think...'

'Oh! So this is WHY you are here, to talk about Kurt, Let me guess, you are going to tell me that he isn't real, that I made him up, that he is the main reason why i am here, in this mad house, THAT HE IS WHY I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF, he isn't someone i made up, GOD! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE, I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD ME, He is real, HE IS REAL. How could you do that? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? You told me to keep remembering him, you told me to never forget him. HOW COULD YOU SAY THINGS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. JUST HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT KURT DOESN'T EXIST, THAT KURT ISN'T REAL. HE IS REAL, HE EXISTS AND I KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN HIM AND YOU CAN'T TELL... '

'I know...'

'... ME HE ISN'T RE- what?'

'I know, Kurt is real Blaine.'

'what?... But you were telling me he wasn't real...'

'Blaine i never said anything you just assumed what i was going to tell you...'

'Why?'

'what?'

'How do you know?'

'Here look at this...'

* * *

><p>Kurt pulls out a picture from his bag.<p>

* * *

><p>'...How?'<p>

'Blaine... I need to tell you something...'

'...'

'I need you to... not freak out... when i tell you.'

'Okay'

'Promise me you won't freak out.'

'ohmygod, theyfoundhimdeadidntthey? ohmygodhesdead...'

'No Blaine, breathe Blaine, He's very much alive, just listen and no jumping to conclusions okay?.'

'How did you get the picture?'

'My dad... he brought it over with him.'

'...what? why? ...wait why does your dad have a picture of Kurt?'

'...'

'...he looks just as i remembered him, i think it was taken on the same day... i remember that blue bow tie he had on... i wish i could see him again...Hey!'

'what?'

'Can you ask your dad if i can meet Kurt? I promise i'll be on my best behavior. I promise. I'll do anything to just meet him once again. Please?'

'I can't do that...'

'Why?...'

'I can't ask my dad to bring Kurt over here...'

'Oh, is it because this is a mad house, that's it isn't it? i understand, he probably doesn't even remember me, he probably wouldn't even like me, no one likes me...'

'Hey'

'Well, except you but it isn't good for you, you know? liking me isn't good for anyone...'

'It was taken on the same day...'

'what?... how do you know?'

'...'

'i really want to meet Kurt again, i'd do anything, anything, can't you take me to see him? just from afar would do, i don't even have to talk to him, i just want to see him, i need to know he is real, can't you bring him here please?'

'I can't bring him here...'

'why?'

'... Blaine, He is... he is already here...'

'WHAT?'

'...'

'HE IS HERE AND YOU ARE TELLING ME NOW?... please tell me you are serious and this isn't some dream or some weird shrink stuff you are doing to make me think he is real but he isn't really real so you can make me better because he is real and if he isn't i don't want to get better, i can't be better without him and you can't tell me that he is real and not take me to him... Take me to him please i just need to see him...'

'I can't take you to him...'

'I just need to see him...'

'You have seen him...'

'just please... where? WHERE HAVE I SEEN HIM? Just please take me to him i need to know he is real.'

'Blaine, i can't take you to him...'

'Why? bring him here, just god, just at the door would do...'

'I can't bring him here Blaine...'

'Why? What's the point of telling me all this and not even letting me see him?'

'I can't bring him here, because Blaine he is already here. I am Kurt, Blaine i am real, i am him.

* * *

><p><strong>TBC<strong>

**i'm not sure what's going to happen next, i'm making it up as i go along so i can't post next chapter previews.**

**Thanks for reading. :D**


	8. Chapter 8

'I can't bring him here, because Blaine he is already here. I am Kurt, Blaine i am real, i am him.'

* * *

><p>Blaine moves forward to hug Kurt.<p>

* * *

><p>'...'<p>

'Blaine, ...say something.'

'You...'

'...'

'All this time you knew... you knew... you were him and you didn't bother telling me... why? I told you everything... Why didn't you tell me?'

'I couldn't...'

'What do you mean you couldn't tell me, you are real you could have made it all stop, they all think i'm a mental person with an imaginary friends who tells me to kill myself...'

'It's not that Blaine listen...'

'Oh i see, you're not really real, and Kurt doesn't look like you, i'm just imagining everything, its because of those stupid pills they have got me numbed up on. I know why this is happening right now, my you remind me of Kurt, your eyes, your nose and even your smile, but you aren't Kurt, you can't be Kurt, you can't be here, you can't be him.'

'But i am him, Blaine just listen..'

'It's these stupid pills they are making me take, they have fucked me up so bad, they are making me think stuff, you probably aren't even here... oh god i've really gone crazy haven't I? I guess everyone will be happy now.'

'Blaine, listen... I am Kurt, I am real...'

'No you can't be.'

'You were wearing a ripped purple t-shirt the day we met, you had a cut right above your right eyebrow, you had miss matched socks on, you looked adorable...'

'but how do you know...'

'Because i am Kurt, Blaine, i am real, you have to believe me.'

'No you can't be, this isn't real, stuff like this doesn't happen. After years of being told your "imaginary" friend isn't real, he just doesn't turn up at your door looking like an angel, that stuff just doesn't happen and especially to me. You can't be here...'

'But i am here Blaine...'

'You... Why didn't you tell me? 3 months. 3 MONTHS! i've been locked up here for 3 whole months, 3 months of them drugging me every single day, trying to make me forget him. You could have said, you could have stopped them, you should have told them... why didn't you tell them?'

'I couldn't..'

'YOU COULDN'T! IS THAT- WHY? YOU COULD HAVE...'

'Blaine, if i had told them, they wouldn't have let me see you anymore, i'm not suppose to personally know my patients, they wouldn't have let me complete my placement, i wouldn't have been able to complete my year... I'm sorry Blaine...'

'...'

'I rea-'

'Why now?'

'-i fi-'

'You could have just left me alone, It's not like i matter to anyone, No ones ever thought about me and then that day in the park, you helped me, my own aunt was standing 10 feet away smoking she didn't even care those guys were going to beat me up, but you... you saved me, twice, no same person has saved me more than once but you, you saved me twice, maybe even more... why do you care so much... i don't understand why you are doing this to me... and now you say you are real... you really are real. This isn't a trick?'

'Yes...'

'But you... i don't understand... you are my shrink...'

'I know this is going to be so hard for you, it's hard for me but you have to be strong...'

'I don't believe you. You can't be real...'

'I am real. Blaine i am in front of you. I've always been real.'

'Prove it. Prove it, show me that you are really real and i am not just imagining you.'

* * *

><p>27th April 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

Did last night really happen or have my pills being making me crazy?

This is actually crazy Kurt, They have been successful in making me crazy, so my shrink comes into my room and starts telling me that you are here and that you are real and then he tells me that he is you, i asked him to prove it, I think he kissed me.

It felt so good. I didn't know i could feel like that. I didn't know another person could make me feel so alive. That freaked me out so much. I think i just froze. I don't know if that was real or not but it sure as hell felt real. I couldn't move. This was not supposed to happen. This was not supposed to be real, you can't be in my life, we know what happens to people who enter my life, they die, i don't want you to die. He kept apologizing after he'd realized what had just happened. He was so scared. I wanted to tell him to not stop, to never stop but i couldn't, i couldn't move, i couldn't do anything. He'd probably realized what he'd done and he's probably repulsed by it, which explains him apologizing 22 times in 2 minutes. I couldn't do anything and he just let.

He walked out.

He just leaving me alone.

I hope that it was a dream.

I hope my shrink really isn't you.

I wish that you aren't real, not because i don't want you to be, i do, i really do, but if you are real and you enter my life, i can't lose you and i know that i will and it will hurt, hurt even more than it hurts now.

I hope that-

I know that i am wrong.

* * *

><p>The previous day<p>

20:30pm

'Kurt, we are really sad to see you leave. It was an honor having you with us, it really was. I hope we can make these last few days you have here with us be an equally pleasant experience as the past 3 months have been.'

'Thank you, I am so grateful for this opportunity you gave me.'

'No, no, as i said it is an honor to have you work with us. Now you said you wanted to discuss a patient?'

'Yes... It's about my patient... Blaine Anderson.'

'Ah yes him, charming young man, when he doesn't talk about death eh? What did you want to ask?'

'It's just... He gets discharged this weekend and he has no place to go, his relatives won't take him back in since they aren't legally required to... is there anything we can do to keep him safe? We've worked so hard to get him back on track these past few weeks, i'd hate to see him back him here...'

'i'll see what i can do Kurt.'

'Thank you.'


	9. Chapter 9

28th April 1997

Dear Ku-

I can't even write your name here anymore i am sorry. I just don't know what is happening anymore.I really don't. I had another meeting with my shr- with you. That sounds weird. Everything doesn't even make any sense now. H- yo- He kept asking me how i was feeling about this whole thing. I didn't know what he wants to hear. I don't know what i am suppose to do. I don't understand anymore. It was one thing me believing you were real, but to actually find out that you exist and to find out that i've known you for 3 months and to have you kiss me is just too much. A part of me is so pleased that you are real, so pleased that i know you, so pleased that you exist and you like me.

But this whole thing is so fucked up. You are my shrink. You'd lose your job if they ever found out. It'll be my fault. You'd hate me. I don't want you to hate me. I can't be around you. It's just too much for me. You need to understand.

You are real. I am not crazy but i don't want you near me. I don't want you dead because of me. Everyone near me dies. I can't take it if you die.

* * *

><p>15:25pm<p>

'I'm sorry Kurt, we couldn't do anything. We aren't required to look after him after he leaves here. That is not our responsibility. I hope you understand.'

'So you are telling me that after spending 3 months trying to fix someone and when they are finally getting better you are going to just let them go because its "not your responsibility." Isn't your job to make sure people are fine? Well you are doing a pathetic job of it...'

'I'm sorry Kurt, I really am, there is nothing we can do, If you feel so strongly about your patient why don't you take him home with you?'

'what?'

'I'm serious, i could lose my job, but if it means that much to you that he is safe you can take him home with you, not that we know if he'd appreciate that or not but you can try, if keeping him safe means so much to you.'

'Really?'

'Yes. You are no longer his shrink after Friday. That's the day he is let out and that is also your last day. It might do him some good to go somewhere he would feel safe, somewhere he knows someone. But i am sorry i can't personally do anything about him after he leaves here since he is not a child anymore.'

* * *

><p>22:37pm<p>

'Dad... I need a favour, Yes its about him... dad he means so much to me... I spoke to Mr. Bray and he said he couldn't do anything to help out but he suggested that i bring him home with me, i know its too much to ask but dad he has no where to go, he'd be safe with us dad...'

'Okay kid, if this is really what you want, If this really means this much to you, I hope this doesn't backfire on you Kurt, he has tried to kill himself before you said...'

'He's so much better now, plus he'd have all of us to look over him, he'd have me there. Please dad...'

'Okay... i'll tell Carol...'

'Thanks dad.'

'Anytime son, I just don't want you getting hurt Kurt, this could end up very messy...'

'I know... Love you...'

'Love you too kid, i'll see you on Friday.

* * *

><p>30th April 1997<p>

Dear K-

I still can't write to you. Not because i don't believe that you are real, It's just hard.

I had another appointment with my shrink again today. It was our last session together. I still can't call him Kurt. We just sat and watched Tom and Jerry episodes and he'd brought sushi, he told me that he knew i secretly liked eating it and gave me this goofy smile, I'd already seen the episode, so i watched him, really carefully and he does look like you, You look even beautiful than i'd ever imagined. That made me trust him. That was a scary feeling, i've never trusted someone before, they always seem to leave me, but i think i can trust you, I hope you don't let me down, please don't. I hope i don't kill you.

He told me that i'd be leaving tomorrow at noon and asked if i had anywhere to go. It was a funny question because he knows i have no where to go, it was like he was mocking me, mocking me for not having a home, unlike him. But then he surprises me, when i thought i'd heard it all he asks how i'd feel about coming to stay with his parents for a while, i said yes.

I wish i hadn't said yes, all these nice things are happening to me, nice things never happen to me, i'm just waiting for something bad to happen, something horribly bad, i know it is coming, something horrible is coming. I haven't even tried to kill myself in a while and i don't think i want to die right now and that is a scary thought to have. People who don't want to die always die and those that don't do, i know, i've tried to kill myself and failed, but those that want to live always die.

I hope i don't bring bad things for Kurt and his family.

* * *

><p>16:45pm<p>

'Blaine, can i come in?'

'Doors open...'

'How are you feeling?'

'...numb...'

'Have you packed all your things up?'

'...I don't have anything to pack.'

'...'

'Why are you doing this?'

'Doing what?'

'Being so nice to me?'

'Because Blaine, you deserve so much, you deserve love and kindness, you deserve someone to show you that you are not worthless, that you are the most amazing human being ever to have walked this earth, you deserve to know how special you are-'

'I'm not special, I bring nothing but death and bad luck to people, i hope you know that Ku-, i hope you understand what you are getting yourself into...'

'I know you think all those people that have died, died due to you being near them but that's not true Blaine, you have to believe me...'

'I want to...'

* * *

><p>Friday morning.<p>

08:45am

'Dad, Thank you so much for doing this.'

* * *

><p>Friday morning<p>

08:55am

'Blaine, i want you to meet my dad...'

'Hello sir, It is nice to meet you, Thank you.'

* * *

><p><strong>Just one more chapter after this. Thanks for sticking around. <strong>


	10. Chapter 10

1st May 1997

Dear Kurt,

Thank you for letting me stay in your house. I really appreciate it.

* * *

><p>11:01am<p>

'Blaine honey, what would you like for lunch?'

'I don't mind, anything would be good, I don't want to bother you anymore than I have...'

'Hey, Blaine, no never think that you are bothering us, you mean so much to Kurt, we will never think of you as a burden, now tell me what you want for lunch...'

'Thank you. I would like a bacon sandwich please.'

* * *

><p>16:05pm<p>

'Hey Blaine, how are you feeling?'

'Hopeful...but it is scary...'

'I know.'

'...'

'Did you have a nice day while I was away? I'm so sorry I had to leave you but I needed to hand my assignment in...'

'Don't apologies Kurt, yeah I had a nice day, Carol made me a bacon sandwich it was the best sandwich I'd ever eaten.'

'...'

'What?'

'You called me Kurt...'

'That is your name silly, what else am I going to call you...'

'You believe me now?'

'I've wanted to believe you since you told me but I couldn't, i didn't want to lose you, I talked to Carol over lunch and she showed me photos from when you were younger... i wish I'd know you then ... like properly known you...'

'You know me now...'

'Thank you...'

'Blaine you have to stop saying thank you.'

'Sorry...'

'Okay that is it, I forbid you from using the words thank you and sorry unless you really have to.'

'Okay...'

* * *

><p>2nd May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I think I lo-

I can't say it. It will not be good. This should not be happening.

* * *

><p>00:45am<p>

'Psst, Blaine are you awake?'

'Yeah.'

'Can't sleep?'

'Yeah'

'Me neither, why?'

'Thinking about stuff.'

'Like what?'

'You.'

'Oh, I've been thinking about you as well.'

'Really?'

'Yeah and I suggest that since we both can't sleep we watch some episodes of Tom and Jerry.'

* * *

><p>3rd May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

You've just fallen asleep here and you look so beautiful.

I wish I could tell you how I can't stop thinking about you.

I wish I could tell you how beautiful I think you are.

I wish I could touch you but I break everything I touch and I don't want to break you. I can't break you.

I wish I could feel you, I wish I could feel your skin on mine...

I wish being alive wasn't so scary.

I wish wanting you wouldn't hurt so much.

* * *

><p>7th May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I don't know why I am still writing to you when I can say these things to you.

I guess it is sort of a ritual. I don't want to break it.

I might let you see this one day.

Today you told me that you liked spending time with me.

I told you so did I but I'm afraid that if I spend too much time with you, I'd start to like you more than I should and I'd kill you. You told me that I am perfect and that I wouldn't kill you.

Deep down I know that I wouldn't kill you.

I would kill myself in the end.

* * *

><p>17:56pm<p>

'Blaine you need to try on your new clothes for me... I demand a fashion show...'

* * *

><p>18:15pm<p>

'You look adorable Blaine...'

'No, I don't. I don't even know why I let you take me shopping. I do not NEED new clothes, especially not bright red jeans, why did I let you talk me into buying these?§'

'Everyone needs clothes Blaine and those look really good on you.'

'...'

'Come here...'

* * *

><p>8th May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

You told me that I was amazing and then you took me shopping and then you kissed me and told me that you loved me.

I think I love you as well.

I told you that I loved you but it scared me so much.

I am starting to believe that I am not an evil person and that I do not bring death to everyone because you are an angel Kurt, and an angel can never be attracted to the devil.

This is scaring me so much.

I love you and I never want to be apart from you.

Ever.

Things don't work that way and I am sorry.

* * *

><p>14th May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

Your parents are really nice, I've never had adults be nice to me ever, they usually treat me like dirt.

They make me feel like a real person.

I can never repay them for what they have done for me.

I hope they can forgive me.

I hope you can forgive me.

I am so sorry Kurt but I have to know.

* * *

><p>15:08pm<p>

'Blaine, I love you, I hope you know that, I hope you know how special you are to me.'

'I know and it scares me.'

'...'

'I don't want to let you down, I want you to be proud of me, but I know that I am going to hurt you and everyone. Thats what I do Kurt and I'm sorry.'

'I love you so much Blaine... You can never let me down.'

'I love you too Kurt...'

'I want you to know how special you are to me, how much you mean to me...'

'...'

'Let me show you how much I care about you...'

* * *

><p>He had finally learned to love himself. He had to find out if what he had believed was true or not.<p>

* * *

><p>17th May 1997<p>

Dear Kurt,

I've been planing this for a while now, trying to find the perfect day, but there is no perfect day to kill yourself.

Today was pretty special.

You made it special and I thank you for that.

Thank you for showing me that I do matter.

I'm so sorry but I just need to find out if I am right. I know if I am right, I will end up hurting you but it has to be this way. I am sorry. I really am but I need to know.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I love you Kurt.

I love you so fucking much.

I love you so much that I don't know what to do.

This is the only option and i'm sorry. I really am.

I love you and I hope that you forgive me.

Goodbye

Blaine xxx

* * *

><p>05:15am<p>

Kurt finds Blaine lying in a puddle of his own blood, clutching his beloved notebook.

He was right. Those that want to live do end up dying.

* * *

><p><strong>The end.<strong>

**I hope you all liked this. **

**Sorry about killing Blaine.**


End file.
